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Marriage is the
only war where you sleep with the enemy. -
Gary Busey
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Marriage is not a
word; it is a sentence. -
King Vidor
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Marriage is like a cage;
one sees the birds outside desperate to get in,
and those inside
equally desperate to get out. -
Michel de Montaigne
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There is only one way to
have a happy marriage a
and as soon as I learn what it is, I
will get married again. -
Clint Eastwood
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They say love is
blind...and marriage is an institution.
Well, I am not
ready for an institution for the blind just yet. -
Mae West
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My wife dresses to
kill. She also cooks the same way. -
Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy
for twenty years. Then we met. -
Rodney
Dangerfield
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A good wife always
forgives her husband when she is wrong. -
Milton Berle
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I was married by a
judge. I should have asked for a jury. -
George Burns
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I bought my wife a new
car. She called and said, "There was water in the
carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?" She
replied, "In the lake."
-
Henny Youngman
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Never go to bed mad.
Stay up and fight.
The secret of a happy marriage remains
a secret.
- Henny Youngman
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After a quarrel, a wife
said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I
was in love and didn't notice."
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When a man steals your
wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her.
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I have not spoken to my
wife in 18 months - I do not like to interrupt her.
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My girl friend told me I
should be more affectionate. Therefore, I got myself
two girlfriends.
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A man said his credit
card was stolen but he decided not to report it since
the thief was spending much less, than his wife did.
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Getting married is very
much like going to a restaurant with friends. You
order what you want, and then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
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Man is incomplete until
he is married. Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his
father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."
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Young Son: Is it true,
Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know
his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in
every country, son.
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Then there was a man who
said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I
got married then it was too late.
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A man placed an ad in
the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same:
"You can have mine."
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A woman was telling her
friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what
was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A
billionaire." she replied,
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The trouble with being
the best man at a wedding is that you never get to
prove it.
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A man, upon his
engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've
found a woman just like mother” His father replied,
"So what do you want? Sympathy?"
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Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The
rest cheat in Europe.
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Marriage is the triumph
of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is
the triumph of hope over experience.
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If you want your spouse
to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
say, talk in your sleep.
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I married Miss Right. I
just didn't know her first name was Always.
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It's not true that
married men live longer than single men. It only seems
longer.
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Losing a wife can be
very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
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A man was complaining to
a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a
big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then,
BAM! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his
friend. "My wife found out..."
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Just think if it weren't
for marriage, men would go through life thinking they
had no faults at all.
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I think one of the
greatest things about marriage is that as both husband
and father, I can say anything I want to around the
house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of
attention.
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A successful man is one
who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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A man meets a genie. The
genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but
his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The
man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a
million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
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Men who have pierced
ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve
experienced pain and bought jewelry. An expensive way
to get your laundry done free. The most effective way
to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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First, guy (proudly):
"My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky,
mine's still alive.
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Humor in
Marriage |
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Newly Weds - Wife to
Husband “Dear, don't expect the first few meals to be
great. It takes time to find the right restaurant."
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A couple drove down a
country road several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither
of them wanted to concede their position. As they
passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the
husband asked sarcastically " Relatives of yours? "
"Yep" the wife replied “in-laws"
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Wife, one evening, drew
her husband's attention to the couple next door and
said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do
that?" "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I
don't know her well enough."
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An ugly but well painted
woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If
you were my husband, I would poison your drink." The
man replied, ‘‘if you were my wife I would drink it.''
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At the cocktail party,
one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied,
"Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
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Before marriage, a woman
respects a man, after marriage, she suspects him and
after death she respects him.
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There was a guy who told
his woman that he loved her so much that he would go
thro' hell for her. They got married-and now he is
going thro it.
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